Your Addiction Wants You Dead











Russell Brand is a comedian who is a recovered heroin addict and speaks out on the importance of an abstinence-based recovery program.

In one interview about the recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Russell states “There is a predominant voice in the mind of an addict that supersedes all reason and that voice wants you dead”.

This really struck me. Abstinence based programs have been incredibly helpful for people kicking everything from sex, gambling, and shopping to cigarettes, alcohol and drugs.

But what is a food addict to do? It is not possible to abstain from food permanently. It is not possible to avoid all situations where food is served. And it is not possible for the body to survive and thrive without food.

Perhaps ideally we could relearn to eat in a sane manner. We could learn to be able to be around all foods and even have them in the house and yet eat only an appropriate amount of the ones known to be bad for our body.

But for years I knew from experimentation that I could not have a healthy relationship with food due to my addictive nature. So eating a raw food diet became my form of abstinence. As long as I stuck to 100% raw I was on the wagon. And I knew it was important and I was able to do it for up to 2 years at a time, for about 8-10 years of 100% raw total over the last 2 decades.

I really haven’t found a way to do 80% raw long-term, though I’d like to. I can do 100% raw. Or I can do food addiction. There is a middle ground, but when I find it, it seems to disappear out from under my feet slowly, or sometimes suddenly, like quicksand. It just feels like shaky ground.

And yet even on a 100% raw diet I think I must be either physically or emotionally depleted as I seem to only be able to do it for 2 years at a time. I feel great on 100% raw and yet when I first go off I eat lots of peanut butter and cheese which I think shows a need for protein and minerals, and maybe B12.

I think if I did more greens and nut loafs I’d do better and get enough protein and minerals on a raw diet. And I have to discipline myself to eat some fermented foods for B12. It is just discipline either way. And that’s something I lack around food. I just don’t make feeding myself well a priority. Isn’t that strange in my line of work! The Programs have a balanced diet and if I would follow the menu plans regularly I know I’d be fine but I have not been taking the time.

What is the answer? I’d like to say doing a 3-week raw diet (maybe starting this Monday with the group) to reset my body and get out of my addict’s brain. Abstinence.

And then after the resetting, I can intelligently add certain cooked foods to my diet like rice, quinoa, dark chocolate and maybe a small amount of goat’s cheese, while still eating a large variety of fresh fruits and vegetables.

And then once this is established as my way of eating, I might be able to add in occasional indulgences. And then I will either be able to maintain this new healthy high-raw diet or I might start my slide down to rock bottom and then begin all over again.

Honestly, I don’t care what anyone says, the raw diet is a life saver! I would have been dead from overeating a long time ago if it wasn’t for my 10 years on the diet, and eating mostly raw for 17 of the last 20 years.

Yes, this is a band-aid and the wound beneath it is emotional or spiritual, having to do with my self-esteem or other psychological reasons behind self-destructive behaviors.  I’m still working on this puzzle and doing the inner work of healing, which might be a lifelong work, but if it is ever done in this life, then I can re-consider the whole diet issue as I might not need to be on an abstinence-based diet anymore.

I have to say, each time I try to do a high-raw (75% – 80% raw) diet I do a bit better for a bit longer. But this time, at 47 years of age, my hormones and metabolism are different and I have gained a lot of weight eating cooked vegetarian foods. I think I’m about 20 lbs. overweight.

I’ve always been a large person, tall with broad shoulders, wide hips, and big bones, but now I’m definitely carrying too much weight on my tummy area.

At first I realized at this age I really liked having a little fat to be more curvy and fill out my face. I thought if I have to pay for this by having a bit of a tummy I can handle that.

But now it seems I’ve developed some bad habits. Life is catching up with me. The pressures of launching my children in this world, earning money, moving, etc…I’ve been allowing myself to lean on food for a crutch for a while to cope, but now it is time to make some changes.

Nobody can tell us when it is time. Only we know when we are ready. Some of us have to reach rock-bottom to be ready. Others prefer to not have to get knocked over the head before they see the writing on the wall and start making changes.

Maybe it is like art; you want to be inspired. However, the artists that actually make money have learned how to become inspired when they need to be, and are able to do their art on a daily basis, on demand.

Are you ready? Am I ready? It is always scary to change habits and to let go of addictions. “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. That is the courage needed to make the decision to take the plunge.

But the good news is you only need to make one decision! (my friend Maureen learned this when she quit smoking). And once you have made the decision, that’s it. There’s no more thinking, debating, questioning, or second-guessing. It’s easy. It’s done. One clear, strong decision. That’s all it takes! May God give me the strength – and the will.

In Joy!

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21 Responses to Your Addiction Wants You Dead

  1. justin says:

    in my experience, when you make a commitment no matter what, then you can honor it.
    I mean this in regard to my commitment to being vegetarian, I HAV’NT EATEN MEAT IN16YRS
    as far as im concerned im not alowed to eat meat, so ther is no question of self control.
    I am part of a spiritual group that requires vegetarian eating. I do not know anyone
    who has eaten meat (in this group) since making the commitment.
    I do believe god and faith in god can help, the book ”12 steps to raw foods” by
    victoria beutenkyo has been very popular. thanks

  2. Jenny says:

    Thanks for sharing this Jinjee! <3

  3. bonnie says:

    Actually Chris as I read more of your comments I do understand where you’re coming
    from. I could see how perhaps you would be frustrated with people because of what you know to be true. My experience is that people enlighten through love . Judgement has the opposite effect. Is there such a thing as addiction to thinking or an addiction to
    judging others? I bet there’s no opinions in heaven! ha ha. GOD is LOVE period.
    Anyway I guess this is a place to talk about the food journey. It is effortless or false(am I close to getting you on this?) effort implies opposition. opposition gives credence to other-power. GOD(self) is the only power. If you haven’t decided that for GOD to be infinite you and all the whiners ARE GOD then I can’t help you.

  4. Sara says:

    Firstly, Chris. It’s food we are talking about here, not religion. You’re a bit wound up and I can’t figure out what your actual point is. It’s Jinjees blog, if she wants to rant about feelings, she should. It’s not your blog now, is it?

    Jinjee, I’ve been reading your blog for a while and tbh, what comes through is someone struggling to stick to a regime that clearly doesn’t work for them. Food should not be such a struggle. Why do you think you need to be raw all the time anyway? In my opinion, raw works as a cleanse, a detox, for most. However, long term there is a definite law of diminishing returns, both in health and in lifestyle. Women fare worse because of our increased need for iron, if pre-menopausal (and perhaps because we are more emotional about food). If it’s stressful to stick to your nutrition plan, it’s not going to be doing great things for your body.

    In terms of your health, you should be aware that as you age, your digestion becomes less efficient. Your body has to work harder to get nutrients out of some raw foods, and getting B12 from yeast and fermented foods is not generally effective, really not. I’ve seen permanent nerve damage in people that ignored that point about B12.

    You also need more protein to maintain body functions as you age. Get a few chookies and eat an egg or two. That might be all it takes.

    I wish you well. Do what’s right for you. Don’t worry about what people think and don’t be scared to change your mind. I was vegan for ages, then turned to paleo, losing friends and clients in the process and gaining ‘paleo’ followers. Now I’m finding that things like fermented dairy feels right, and, as expected there are a few ‘this is not paleo’ comments coming my way. People love rules don’t they?

  5. channa says:

    Jinjee…you speak to my heart…it is a special person who can be so raw and geniunely is what helps to heal the rest of us..unfortunately it leaves you set up for hateful people who like to hide behind the word of God or whatever else..i dont know how anyone can stand to even have a blog it takes guts..and if you can stand the haters keep going cuz you DO make a diffrence to the rest of us.
    I am a recovrring food addict wanting to get on raw food band wagon again

  6. chris says:

    Again I will say it is not a difficult journey. The difficulty is your concentration on low vibrational rate – – focusing on your ‘pdf’s’ (precious darling feelings). Bad people do bad things. . . to other people. That’s all they can do. YOU need to raise your vibration such that you’re not in their field. Then focus on God and the future . . not the devil and your past. If you cannot get beyond it. . . you are destined to live in it . . only. You have to be dedicated to your change. That is what discipline is,
    or, focus on your pdf’s. . . and live in your personal misery and hell.
    Food, nature and God have nothing to do with your bad experiences. . . people do bad things because they drink, drug and eat bad food. That’s what happens when you eat bad food. When you eat a high raw / live food diet – – you can see clearly what goes on in this foul world. Don’t look for the world to save you. . it cannot even save itself. . (or I should say don’t look for people in the world to save you. . . they’re all a mess and don’t know what I’m speaking of here.) Do what I suggest and wake up. Its your only hope. . . or . . . continue as you are. . . life in hell.

    • Lisa says:

      pdf’s….ahh, I like that Chris. Well, thank you for this reply. There is something that deeply resonates with me from what you share. Absolutely, focusing on raising this vibration and awakening further rather than….pdf’s ;) That doesn’t mean the journey is ‘always’ gentle. Being dedicated to change though makes it all about growth in one way or other.

    • bonnie says:

      harsh and true. Although you do know that if you were completely and utterly correct in all your thinking you would spontaneously ascend. I’ve often wonderedif speaking of “they and them” is an evil practice. That thing where it says” eating of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil”. It seems to me that people miss the point that with GOD you are outside of or above evil. If you point out what is evil YOU are eating the fruit i.e. choosing polarity. I do not see a mess. I see lovely healthy people and people who would like to be healthier.
      I believe all journeys require EXTREME compassion. I believe there is more to agree about than not. If your body is 99.9999 space then how about we chill

  7. Carolyn Morales says:

    If you don’t need the inspiration ,why are you following the site? Your comments are offensive! I applaud Jinjee for her transparency!

  8. Lisa says:

    Jinjee~ thank you sharing openly the experiences and feelings.

    Chris~ there is something about your post that rubs me one way and then another. I do find truth and wisdom in what it feels you are saying. Are you only eating foods that were designed for us? Do you have anything to share that would help overcome the ‘bondage’?


  9. Ally says:

    Thank you for sharing an intimate, open account of your experience. Considering how very few people eat 100% raw, I would venture many people can relate to your story.

    Chris, above–interesting thoughts, yes. Delivery–seems to be heavy on righteousness, low on compassion. Best wishes to you on your journey.

    Keep up the good work, Jinjee.


  10. Linda M. says:

    One of the reasons I have followed your blog for years is your brutal honesty in self-disclosure! You have never pretended to be perfect or that the diet is easy. I really appreciate that! The important thing is that you persevere when you make a mistake. That’s all any of us can do.

  11. Denise Billings says:

    I completely identify with what you’re saying, Jinjee. thank you so much for this post. having struggled with sexual abuse and the resulting self esteem issues that come with it, I lack self discipline and have difficulty handling all the emotions that come with not being medicated with food. it’s such a difficult journey.

  12. Chris says:

    ? ? ?

    I guess I would have to ask, what made you decide to become a teacher of something you clearly are incapable of teaching? You are making it sound as if the addiction has a mind of its own. . . as if its its own entity. It Is Not! and It Has No Mind.

    You (or whoever has the addiction) is allowing themselves to be manipulated, for a reward that is a blatant lie.

    You can NEVER allow yourself to have the offensive item. It is always bad and no good will ever come of it. There is never a good outcome to a bad story. If you need minerals, add them in. . . . but allowing yourself a percentage of foods not designed for your body will always result in failure.

    God doesn’t do anything to add to your failure so don’t ask God for strength. God has already provided the food and all the strength you will ever need. If you fail, that’s on your shoulders. . . . .its your responsibility – – or lack of responsibility, only.

    I do NOT glorify these people who make lots of money yet cannot handle their emotional issues – – so turn to drugs and alcohol, or whatever the addiction. Its profound insanity. . . and they don’t need to be put on a pedestal.

    See truth for what it is. . eat what is designed for your body only. . . and you will never have a problem. People who use, ingest, etc. all other noxious substances deserve the experience they have – – it will destroy them, most definitely. They have then wasted this life.

    No matter because we will all be destroyed anyway – – no one makes it out of here alive. This body is designed for death from the moment of birth. Your only choice then. . . is to wake up!!! Stop all this childishness. You’re the adult, not the child.

    God is nature. . . . you are nature. . . . eat from nature and allow your consciousness to flourish. Forget about all these ridiculous experiences you feel the need to have insofar as working on yourself and all that. . . Its all simply BONDAGE. You are all crying for your bondage. . .

    Be a raw and living foodist or don’t. All this whining is wasting your life.. Grow up and be the mature adult you are meant to be. Its just FOOD – – but food that is designed for you to eat.

    What is the problem? There is no problem – – except what you make of it.

  13. Kate says:

    Hi Jinjee,
    Great post! Have you watched the Dr Michael Greger’s videos on B12? I was stunned to find that vegetarians and vegans have the same life expectancy as meat eaters (as a 25+ year vegetarian/vegan and on-and-off raw foodist myself), and deeply shocked to find that vegetarians have around twice the rate of breast cancer as meat eaters (presumably because of higher dairy intake?). I too love eating 100% raw, but struggle with protein cravings (also on a cooked vegan diet), and use food as a comfort prop.
    Think you’re so right about the art/inspiration thing. Why wait till we’re ‘motivated’ to go raw – we just have to do it!
    Love Kate

  14. Evelyn says:

    WOW, WOW, This is exactly how I have been feeling over the last few weeks. I have fallen off the raw vegan diet and I feel soooo bad. This article was a eye opener for me. I am ready to begin again. Realizing, that I am a food addict and want to do the right thing but, yet the cravings seem to overwhelm me and win!! I’ve cleaned out my pantry and refigerator of all the not so good foods and replaced them again with raw vegan fruits and vegetables. Like you said “Nobody can tell us when it is time” Only we know when we are ready. Well, I am ready. My food addiction will not kill ME!!!! Again thank you for this wondweful article!!

  15. Emayah says:

    Love this jinjee!

  16. Excellent and touching post Jinjee. I too have an addictive personality, so I identify with you words, and appreciate your wisdom. May God grant you grace, and strength.

  17. unsolicited opinion? says:

    PS (you don’t need to publish the former response or this, just sort of pondering here…)

    I think I just am trying to separate out for myself the big difference there is (for me) between the slip of a nonraw morsel or two and total loss of control/overeating. For me they do seem an equally slippery slope, but I think the lack of trust I have of my eating patterns (both over and under) is my real issue, even moreso than the actual items eaten. Is that sort of what you are saying? Sometimes I do think the issue is the biochemistry of the actual food, but, for me, the much bigger fear seems to be of the risk of slipping into automatic unconscious eating, or even fear of conscious overeating. It is my hope to gain trust in consistently wise choices as opposed to perfection. At times 100% raw is helpful, but only when it is a true choice as opposed to perfection versus failure.

  18. unsolicited opinion? says:

    Are you by chance a perfectionist?
    Total rawness for decades on end is setting the bar high as it is.
    I just want to respond, is not 99.98 % perfection or whatever it comes out to, excellent enough??
    To me it would be, even as for me slips often evoke fear of loss of control since I too can overdo it either way.
    Lately I have decided that instead of berating myself for a slip or two
    (and they have been way more excessive lately with a bunch of contract deadline priorities, while needing to also attend to some very elderly relatives 2 hours out of town on a regular as well as on call for some serious situations lately.)
    Just yesterday I vowed that instead of telling myself I should be doing better since there are always grocery stores or at least crummy little apples in our interstate rest areas — I decided to focus on the times I have chosen well or prepared ahead instead of berating myself when I don’t.
    (I actually DID prepare a beautiful organic apple into slices I could have at the rest stop, and darn if I didn’t accidentally leave it by the door when I was focused on keeping the cat in! So I told myself at least I was caring about the cat accessing her food and let the rest go.)

    Do I consider what, or how much, I eat to always be ideal spiritually or healthwise?
    Not yet, but I am at least prioritizing realizing that I am human and trying to achieve something that not everyone even attempts. And I am trying to put God into the equation too and remember that I want to learn to prioritize trusting Spirit ahead of interacting with food (which is too often not the order I put them in, even sometimes when I do achieve all raw)

    I know that for me the fact that you share your struggles makes you much more credible as a teacher and I appreciate it, even as I also wish for you whatever you wish for yourself. It does help me that you achieve so much, and set the bar high, but I, for one, do not demand you be perfect as you seem to demand of yourself.
    In any case, thank you.

  19. Stephen P. says:

    It’s important to clarify that people in sexual recovery programs and financial recovery programs are not “kicking” sex or shopping but are abstaining from their additive and harmful behaviors and still can have healthy robust sex lives or the enjoyment of buying nice things they need and desire for themselves. They are not necessarily abstaining from all sex or all shopping. Similar to a relationship with healthy eating, they discover a healthy relationship with these areas of they’re lives.

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