I know what it is like to play Russian Roulette with your stomach, to know that you’ve been eating so much, so badly, so consistently, so long, that with any next bite it could throw you in to such an extreme state of pain and damage that it could all be over.
What would make anyone eat this way? Do I need a time-out so badly that I’d put myself in the hospital to get it? And if I realize it before hand, could I heed my own cries for help and maybe find a better solution to that need? Like asking for help from someone who loves me? Or is it too hard to imagine/believe that someone loves me in this condition?
I was all set to have a really yummy, decadent raw ice cream from the store. And then I made my daughter a fruit slushie. And it tasted better than the store ice cream. But I was all set to lock myself in the bedroom and watch a TV show and eat my decadent raw ice cream. And for some reason this is a really big deal and ritual for me. But at the same time it makes me feel horrible about myself – especially after a day of overeating in general – I get that binge-guilt.
I do binge eat. I put myself in to a little food coma. But it isn’t like real binge-eating with 5000 calories in a sitting. It is just a way I have of over a few days eating out-of-control and taking in more than I ususally do and feeling guilty about it. The guilt is important. The sneaking or eating on my own is important. These release a chemical cocktail in my brain that I’m addicted to.
I seem to play around with eating disorders and addictions, – flirting on the edge of them. It doesn’t take much overeating, or much cooked food, to make me feel like I’m out-of-control or in a little food coma – probably because I’m so sensitive after being mostly raw for so long.
Yeah, this sounds like a disorder, I know. And yet, anyone with a real eating disorder would say I have no clue what a real eating disorder is like. And they would be right. I don’t really know. I’ve just had a little taste of what it would be like – and maybe I needed this to do my work, to be able to help people who struggle with the serious stuff.
You know, it got worse after I studied about the various eating disorders. It was like I learned the mind-set, and I had people with whom I shared something in common, and it made it more OK. This was bad at first, enabling me. But it was also good, relaxing me.
When you are very scared and uptight it is harder to change. You feel more stuck. But when you relax and let go and don’t worry so much about your issues, don’t think about them as much or as negatively, you are more able to change, to be fluid, to be malleable, to let go. You just aren’t as locked in.
For instance, I was on my way to that little binge session, my little time-out from the day, but then I had this inspiration to write these thoughts and so I sat down to write them and I realized this is what I wanted to do right now; it was far more interesting than watching a TV show, and so I allowed myself to do this.
At first I thought I could use this (writing) to avoid the binge. Well, I avoided the TV part, but I still ate the store-bought raw ice-cream. But I only feel half as bad as I would have. And not at all as stuck. I’m creating. I’m being positive. I’m helping. I’m doing what my passion is to do. When you’re loving, you aren’t dying.
Some days I think I have no right to be a raw teacher. It is the blind leading the blind. I haven’t overcome my eating disorders. I’m a mess. But then I think, I could be a lot worse. I am alive. I have great days. I have great weeks, months, even years and several years in a row. But I’m a work in progress. A wounded healer.
Through sharing my journey openly I can walk the walk of imperfection, lovingly, together with others in the same boat, at their various points along the jagged journey.
And I’ll ask you now, if you are in the throes of addiction, depression, obsession, anxiety, fear, etcâ€¦Is there any one little tiny, small step you can take in any positive direction right now? It doesn’t have to be the best step, but just any one. Any positive thing that would be good for you or for someone else? Don’t give it too much thought, just get up and do it, now.
And as you go on, one little positive movement at a time, your energy improves and increases, and you find your way out of the horrible mess and into the joyous mess. Life is messy. You can’t much get away from the mess. But you can live fully in this messy, messed up world. And that’s a beautiful thing! That’s the best thing we can all hope for. Maybe we can’t live fully all the time. But we can have our moments, our times of being on full, fully giving, fully doing our best, being fully alive.